We're on a boat.

"You see, it's not about winning or losing. It's about competition with yourself - going out there to do your very best, to give it your all, to have nothing left. It's about supporting your teammates, pulling for them when you have all but lost faith in yourself. Crew is a sport that demands all of these things. It is not a sport of fame; it is not a sport of popularity. Rowing is above all that. Rowing is a sport of purity and strength, constantly made better by you and I."

My husband always talks about how football is a great sport because it teaches kids how to be a team player.  The ultimate team sport, in my mind, takes place on a boat.  Some day, when our kids are out of the house and it is just Joe and I, I would like to take up rowing.  Joe and I love being out on the water and both enjoy rowing on the rowing machine.  Although we are different weights so I'm sure, practically speaking, we would never be on a rowing team together, if I was going to have a team member on a small tippy boat in the ocean, a person that I would have to be completely in sync with, it would be Joe.  We would win.  We are an awesome team.  However, yesterday, when we were dealing with difficult parenting challenges, our team fell apart.  We sank.  

On a rowing scull out in the water, sensitivity, respect, and self-control are required.  You have to sense the timing with your partner, communicate well verbally as well as non-verbally, respect your partner and the contribution they are making and that only as a team of two can you have this experience, and only with self-control and intentional actions can you stay afloat.  You must be present, think before you act or speak, trust your partner, and not rock the boat.   We must parent as if we are out on that scull.  We must demonstrate to our children that we are the ultimate team and that each of us is a skilled well-trained athlete in our sport. 

I was reminded last week at a parenting talk I attended by Meg Akabas who wrote 52 Weeks of Parenting Wisdom: Effective Strategies for Raising Happy, Responsible Kids of how limited our education in parenting is.  When we are young, we have endless opportunities to learn.  Math, science, language arts, music, instruments, sports, art, and languages are all open to us and our main job is to learn.  Once we are grown, whatever knowledge we have grasped in our younger years has to be enough as we struggle to keep all of the balls in the air...job, family, home ownership, physical health, social lives...and parenting is an area that is seriously neglected in our education.  We do not attend parenting classes in college and once we are parents, it's too late to find time for a heavy course load.  Whatever we learned from our own parents has to be enough.  We juggle trying to replicate certain techniques our parents used that rang true to us and to improve upon what we disagreed with.  Meg brought up the stigma of admitting that we do not automatically know how to be great parents and that continuing education on the matter is as important as getting to the gym.  I openly admit that I continue to seek ways to be a better parent and I thought some of you who are juggling too many balls at the moment, might like to read what I took away from her talk. :)   

What do we want for our children?  What specific traits can we help them to learn that will help them to develop into happy successful adults?  
 
Meg told us that in her parenting consulting services, what she sees most often is a lack of specific parenting goals that can inform the decisions that we make as parents.  Clarifying these goals is the first step toward becoming a better parent.  Meg was open in sharing her own desires for her children and I agree that these are a great place to start. 

Sensitivity, Respect, and Self-Control.

In his book, How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character, Paul Tough agrees that strong self-control was a main common denominator in all of the children that he studied that went on to become successful adults.  With this point being raised heavily in both books, I have decided to give teaching this skill a strong focus in my own parenting. How can we teach our children self-control?  Meg explained that disciplining our children is actually about self-discipline and teaching our children about self-control is actually about controlling ourselves.  If we yell at our children, say things that are not respectful, allow ourselves to give in to our frustration and anger...have a tantrum if you will...then how can we teach our children that these behaviors are not acceptable?  In order to teach others how to behave with self-control, we must lead through example.  We need to display self-control at all times and to demonstrate the tools that we use to achieve this.


Parenting in my household is a tricky endeavor.  With biological children and step-children on both sides, we face rocky seas and foggy boundaries on a daily basis.  When I view my husband and I as a team in our parenting as well as our relationship with each other, I see many instances when we lose our self-control with them and with each other.  I also see a lack of transparency in our coping techniques.  Meg spoke of the moments when you are losing your mind...the kids are whining, you can't find your keys, then you spill your coffee...this is the moment when it is most important to take a deep breath, count to ten out loud, and then begin again in a calm and collected manner.  The kids say something to you that takes your breath away...I hate you, you are a mean mom...or when you have older kids, things much worse.  You take it personally, you react with frustration and anger and your self-control flies out the window.  These are the most important moments to model self-control and to demonstrate the tools we use to keep control of ourselves.   Taking the time we need to collect ourselves, so that we may display patience, good volume, carefully chosen words, and physical restraint is just as important as the consequence we dole out.

Meg spoke of the different types of self-control that we must teach.  Physical restraint, word choice, sharing, taking turns, using appropriate vocal tones (such as not whining or using baby talk) and appropriate volume, as well as not wasting resources.  Using the appropriate amount of toothpaste, not wasting toilet paper, water or electricity, being careful not to break toys, treating the house with respect.  These are all instances in which we must require self-control.  She also spoke about creating opportunities during which our children can practice their self-control.  Bake together, making everyone wait for their turn to help, and suggest how the waiting child can distract themselves to make the waiting more bearable.  Sing a song, play a mind game, find another activity, count.  Play a game and insist that the children follow the rules regardless of how hard it is to wait your turn or take the skip or slide that you drew.  Teach your children the difference between wanting and needing.  Waiting to receive something that they desire for a holiday or birthday or saving up money they earned to purchase it themselves teaches the children that having your needs met is one thing, but exercising patience until you can earn a "wanted" item is also self-control.  Our job, Meg explained, is to help our children shed their sense of self-entitlement and to teach them to be happy with what they have. 

Respect also demands self-control.  Even though a child may not agree with a parent's decision, they must learn to control themselves and to still show that parent respect.  We must insist that our children respect us, their grandparents, their friend's parents, their siblings.  Just as importantly, we need to model respect.  Respect our children, use respectful words, respect each other as a parenting team, show restraint and respect in how we deal with the world around us, and speak of others in respectful ways at all times.  

The most important way that we can teach our children sensitivity, Meg explained, is by being present with our children.  Taking an interest in them, spending quality "unplugged" time with them, and by keeping an open line of communication.  She also emphasized the importance of bring trustworthy.  Meaning what we say, only asking our children if it is actually their choice, remembering to ask their opinion if it actually is a choice, and not using idle threats or white lies.  Making sure our expectations as well as potential consequences are clear and known. 

High expectations, according to Meg, is the key to parenting children to become successful adults.  Raising the bar to a place that will undoubtedly ensure them a successful future with happiness and many opportunities.  If they have challenges, inspiring them to reach beyond what they think is attainable.  I agree with Meg.  I have very high expectations.  Maybe that is what makes parenting hard for me...or what makes every day life hard.  I have high expectations of the people around me.  To live up to their potential.  To give everything the amount of effort that I require of myself.  I will work harder on modeling sensitivity, respect, and self-control and I will expect those around me to do the same.  There are six people on my ship and someday, four of them will need to row their own boats.  It is our job to make sure they are ready.