As my kids grow older and my friends all head back to part time work that is fulfilling but not exactly lucrative, I am torn. We are almost at the point where all four kids are independent and at school from 8-2. They can almost ski together without much help from us. It makes me feel not quite so needed...and very mushy in the brain. Unstimulated, creatively frustrated, and lacking respect from the community at large for lack of "proof" that I actually have a brain.
On another note, when Joe and I have a night and day to ourselves once every two weeks roughly, we actually have time to ourselves. Sometimes, we actually have a whole week left to our own devices. I was perusing Craigslist today and saw a great job listing that seemed to fit me and my availability to the T. It barely pays but it would give me an opportunity to make connections and use my brain at something I enjoy. Then again, I have the privilege of being home with my kids and sometimes my downtime for a few hours while they are at school is a much needed break to recharge my batteries. I am available to have free time with Joe whenever he can fit it in. Why would I be crazy enough to think that I should add work for low pay to that? If I am working, even if it is part time, won't that just add stress and take away from my current luxury of flexibility? Then again, it's hard when you have time but all of your friends are working on their part time pursuits.
The other part of the equation is the question of "to baby or not to baby." I have always wanted another baby. A baby that I keep 100% of the time. A baby that I raise with a partner instead of by myself. A baby that I have the time to enjoy...but like I said before, our kids are at the age where we can all go skiing together. They are almost all in school. We are almost done paying for preschool after many years. We do get to have our time alone together. The kids are also all roughly two years apart and get along so well. It's easy to find activities that are age appropriate for all of them. If we were to have another baby (or adopt) that baby would be so much younger than the others. It would be more like having an only child. Would the other kids relate at all or give the baby the time of day? Would they be close with the new baby ever? Would Joe and I resent going back to the beginning stages again and losing our freedom?
Into the craziness of my conundrum we then add the lyme disease. I'm on antibiotics and feeling great but will I feel bad when I come off the meds? My lyme doctor has high hopes. Will I be cured enough to grow and give birth to a healthy baby that doesn't later develop Autism from Lyme exposure? Will my body be able to handle pregnancy or will it cause the Lyme to relapse? All of these are legitimate concerns if you read anything on the web. The doctors all say, "Don't read anything on the web." Who is right? If we were to instead adopt, would our extended families embrace this child as readily as they have embraced their blood relations? Would they look at us like we are nuts and think that we deserve whatever difficulties come along with another child? When I read about adoption, it seems as though there are more people waiting to be parents than there are healthy babies available. I know that with four other children to care for, we could not handle a child with special needs. If one came to us, then so be it, but I can't responsibly make that decision consciously. I also wonder if a birth mother would ever give her child to a blended family that has four children already. A crazy option would be a surrogate. Our child but with no Lyme exposure and no stress to my immune system. Completely financially irresponsible and completely insane idea.
These are all the thoughts that circle around and around in my brain while I lie awake from 2-4am early every morning. I'm sure it's the antibiotics raging through my system fighting the invisible bacteria that wakes me, but whatever the reason why, Hamlet's Dilemma persists. It's the illusion of control that hounds me. I feel as though the decisions I make will control the future. I don't want to be an old lady living with regrets someday. If I'm being honest, I actually don't want to be an old lady someday, with or without regrets. ;)
