Perception, Pride, and Self-Talk

The kids made dinner tonight.  It may not have been perfect, it may have been a bit stressful making sure they didn't burn or cut themselves, but the responses I received to my question during dinner made it all worth it.  Grace cooked the taco meat, loaded the dishwasher and folded the laundry, Henry set the table with cloth napkins and candlelight (his idea) and peeled and cut the carrots for an appetizer, Odin made hamburgers for he and Zephyr and cut up onion for the tacos and helped Henry with the carrots, and Zephyr cut the avocado and tomatoes.  They were worried about it not being perfect or making sure they were doing it right and I just told them none of that mattered.  As long as the meat was actually cooked then it wouldn't kill us and we would eat and be fed.  So, at dinner, I asked the kids were the best things that came out of them cooking dinner.  Henry said, "We were a team?"  Odin said, "We helped Joe!"  Grace said, "We accomplished something!"  They were so happy and proud.  So I told them that the pride they felt was the best thing that came out of our dinner.  The smiles on their faces and how capable they felt...it was awesome. 

Many things that happened today have made me think of how the world works.  If dinner was cooked by kids and wasn't perfect, how they did it wasn't how you would do it, but you were fed and it made them happy, was that right or wrong?  If someone hates you or thinks you are bad...but you feel like you are a good person...are you?  Is their perception or your perception more important and more true?  Is it the consensus of the people around you listen to?  Or do you surround yourself with only people that think you are great?  Where does the truth lie? 

I have come to the realization that there is no reality.  The world is made of perception.  People have their own perception of things and you can't change what they think.  Nothing you say will have a great impact on them and make them change the way they are.  I have come to believe that the more important thing is how you feel about yourself.  If it makes you feel good to try to change their mind, then go ahead.  If it stresses you out, then don't.  They probably won't hear you anyways.  In that case, try to find a way to make yourself feel better about the situation.  Do what you need to do to feel good about yourself.  If you can't figure out how to handle a situation, handle it in a way that at the end of the day, you can look yourself in the eye and feel good about what you did.  You are the only person you answer to.  If you find someone in this world that does not answer to themselves in a way that you agree with, leave them to themselves and go find someone whose perception of right and wrong is in line with your own.  Surround yourself with those people.  Then at least you know that in your friendship or love, you will be treated the way that you will treat them.  You will agree on life and how to live it.  The people that you disagree with will surround themselves with people that agree with them.  They will feel validated by those people.  And you know what the scary thing is?  Their perception of how they live their lives and right and wrong is no less true than your own.  It is no less valid, however unfortunate that may be.  You are wasting your time even working on them or wondering what is "wrong" with them.  They are who they are and they think what they think.  Yes, they are functioning under different rules but what can you do about that? 

A girl in Wyoming told me recently, "I am so angry at my ex-husband for being happy when I am not happy.  Why does he deserve happiness when he is a bad person?  But then I realized something...God loves everyone.  He loves me but he also loves my cheating ex-husband and his girlfriend." 

Now I don't necessarily believe in God per say, but this does make sense to me.  Nothing bad will happen to a bad person.  Karma is not about that.  Karma is about rewarding those that live by the rules that allow them to look themselves in the eye.  Karma is about surrounding yourself with people that treat you the way you want to be treated and the way that you will treat them.  Karma is about identifying what makes you happy and making that happen.  Leave the others to their own lives.  They may have something horrible happen to them...but they may not and the horrible thing may happen to you instead.  Tragedy strikes without reason.  Our job is to enjoy to the best of our ability the time we have.  You never know what worse thing could be waiting around the corner that would make you look back on right now as the "good times." 

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful.

At bedtime tonight, I was reminded of something else.  I was talking to Odin about "self-talk."  When he gets in trouble for something, he calls himself stupid.  He always has...for as long as I can remember.  I have told him not to do it, talked to him about why it isn't true, have even punished him for saying such an untruth.  Tonight I took a different tactic and in doing so, actually heard my own words as a lesson to myself.  I tol

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”
― Lao Tzud him that the most important thing in this world is "positive self-talk."  I told him that the happiest most confident person is not the smartest or the most beautiful or the coolest.  They are the person that is the kindest to themselves.  The person that you need to be the nicest to is yourself.  No one will be nicer to you than you can be to yourself.  Look in the mirror, tell yourself nice things, love yourself.  Others will follow suit.  They will see you the way you see yourself.  I'm going to work on that.  My perception is reality.  My perception is what matters.  I can change my reality.  We can all change our own reality.  Change your perception.  Mold it into what you want it to be.  It will become your new reality. 

The truth is, my dinner was delicious.  My children did a wonderful job.  My children are amazing people.  They will find their reality in this world.  My job is to help them to perceive that reality is a happy one.  My job is to be kind to myself and to teach them to do the same.  My job is to find people that have a perception of reality that I like and teach them to do the same.  My job is to leave the people I disagree with to themselves unless it pleases me to have them in my life.  But in that case, I need to realize that while their perception of reality will not change, it is no more and no less real than my own.  Read the below quotes.  It seems that others agree :)

“Humans see what they want to see.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief 

“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Magician's Nephew  

“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”
― Wayne W. Dyer 

“All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche 

“Beauty is no quality in things themselves: It exists merely in the mind which contemplates them; and each mind perceives a different beauty.”
― David Hume, Of the Standard of Taste and Other Essays 

“No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it. Thus it is impossible to ever compare two people because each stands on such different ground. When you compare yourself to others, you are inviting envy into your consciousness; it can be a dangerous and destructive guest.”
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom 

“To change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.”

― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

  

Acceptance

Attending a yoga class today reminded me of a few things.  I have been feeling like there is something I'm supposed to be doing...somewhere I should be...I'm not doing enough...I'm bored...I'm wasting life...I'm not where I want to be...  The mediation practice today was about acceptance, self love, opening your heart, and noticing where you are.  I'm the kind of person who does well with goals...but I'm terrible at setting my own.  Not having a goal this year or a project to do has been driving me nuts.  I've decided that instead of driving myself nuts with guilt and criticism, I will instead embrace acceptance.   

I am exactly where I should be.  Doing exactly what I should be doing. 

"Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. The concept is close in meaning to 'acquiescence', derived from the Latin 'acquiēscere' (to find rest in).^[1]"

"To find rest in..." That's what I will focus on.  After being "under duress" for the past 6 years, it is hard to "find rest."  I am used to being stressed and overloaded.  I'm not used to having a supporting wonderful spouse.  Physically, I'm feeling better and have more energy.  I feel spoiled.  I feel guilty being happy and having so many wonderful things.  I'm settling into the child sharing and it is becoming more routine.  I'm not moving, not packing or unpacking, not going solo on childcare, not planning a wedding, not sick and tired, not selling a house, or buying a house, or renovating a house, not dating, not going to court, not blending the family, and not pregnant.  "What else does one do with themselves without these challenges?" my mind asks me.  I am a housewife.  Wife to a person that works hard and supports us.  What is that role?  My husband is unusual in that cooks, does laundry, grocery shops, AND supports us.  I am the cruise director.  I organize fun, vacations, trips, outings, guests, parties, and activities.  I supply love and happiness.  I am good company.  I handle caring for my kids and sometimes his.  I clean for the cleaning lady.  That is my role.  It feels somewhat like being a trophy wife but I am not at all into keeping myself looking like a trophy.  I find having my nails done extravagant, get bored with working out, am a terrible cook, and have friends that are very busy living full and interesting lives and do not have time to get manicures and lunch.

I try to focus on parenting...but it seems that all four of our little souls are formed and are who they are going to be.  I can remind them of who they are, what they stand for, and making good choices...but mostly, they are who they are (at least until they go through puberty and the teen years!)  Zephyr is in a difficult homebody phase but he is impervious to my attempts to break through the faze so I have already been practicing acceptance with him and enjoying his rare adventurous moments when I can.

I find myself in a constant mind-circle about wanting one more baby.  It is just not going to happen at the moment and won't happen without a lot of work and money.  By the time we figure out how it is going to happen, Zephyr will over 5 years old.  The new child will be mostly an "only lonely" and it will indeed be like going backwards after all the kids are finally in school and mostly independent.  Grrrrr....
Then I remind myself...

I am exactly where I should be.  Doing exactly what I should be doing. 

Today we had Nana's birthday party.  I made a "Whoopie Pie" cake.  I decided to use whoopie pie filling as the frosting on top.  All went well...the frosting cascaded down the sides of the cake and looked lovely and delicious...then...(take a closer look at the photo above)...ever so slowly...the top layer of cake split in half.  A big chasm opened dead center across the cake.  Being the day of acceptance focus, I decided that the cake was exactly as a "whoopie pie" cake should be.  That's just how they look.  We added some extra "stick" candles to hold the top layer from furthering its descent and had a great birthday party.  The cake was delicious.  Acceptably so :)