Acceptance

Attending a yoga class today reminded me of a few things.  I have been feeling like there is something I'm supposed to be doing...somewhere I should be...I'm not doing enough...I'm bored...I'm wasting life...I'm not where I want to be...  The mediation practice today was about acceptance, self love, opening your heart, and noticing where you are.  I'm the kind of person who does well with goals...but I'm terrible at setting my own.  Not having a goal this year or a project to do has been driving me nuts.  I've decided that instead of driving myself nuts with guilt and criticism, I will instead embrace acceptance.   

I am exactly where I should be.  Doing exactly what I should be doing. 

"Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. The concept is close in meaning to 'acquiescence', derived from the Latin 'acquiēscere' (to find rest in).^[1]"

"To find rest in..." That's what I will focus on.  After being "under duress" for the past 6 years, it is hard to "find rest."  I am used to being stressed and overloaded.  I'm not used to having a supporting wonderful spouse.  Physically, I'm feeling better and have more energy.  I feel spoiled.  I feel guilty being happy and having so many wonderful things.  I'm settling into the child sharing and it is becoming more routine.  I'm not moving, not packing or unpacking, not going solo on childcare, not planning a wedding, not sick and tired, not selling a house, or buying a house, or renovating a house, not dating, not going to court, not blending the family, and not pregnant.  "What else does one do with themselves without these challenges?" my mind asks me.  I am a housewife.  Wife to a person that works hard and supports us.  What is that role?  My husband is unusual in that cooks, does laundry, grocery shops, AND supports us.  I am the cruise director.  I organize fun, vacations, trips, outings, guests, parties, and activities.  I supply love and happiness.  I am good company.  I handle caring for my kids and sometimes his.  I clean for the cleaning lady.  That is my role.  It feels somewhat like being a trophy wife but I am not at all into keeping myself looking like a trophy.  I find having my nails done extravagant, get bored with working out, am a terrible cook, and have friends that are very busy living full and interesting lives and do not have time to get manicures and lunch.

I try to focus on parenting...but it seems that all four of our little souls are formed and are who they are going to be.  I can remind them of who they are, what they stand for, and making good choices...but mostly, they are who they are (at least until they go through puberty and the teen years!)  Zephyr is in a difficult homebody phase but he is impervious to my attempts to break through the faze so I have already been practicing acceptance with him and enjoying his rare adventurous moments when I can.

I find myself in a constant mind-circle about wanting one more baby.  It is just not going to happen at the moment and won't happen without a lot of work and money.  By the time we figure out how it is going to happen, Zephyr will over 5 years old.  The new child will be mostly an "only lonely" and it will indeed be like going backwards after all the kids are finally in school and mostly independent.  Grrrrr....
Then I remind myself...

I am exactly where I should be.  Doing exactly what I should be doing. 

Today we had Nana's birthday party.  I made a "Whoopie Pie" cake.  I decided to use whoopie pie filling as the frosting on top.  All went well...the frosting cascaded down the sides of the cake and looked lovely and delicious...then...(take a closer look at the photo above)...ever so slowly...the top layer of cake split in half.  A big chasm opened dead center across the cake.  Being the day of acceptance focus, I decided that the cake was exactly as a "whoopie pie" cake should be.  That's just how they look.  We added some extra "stick" candles to hold the top layer from furthering its descent and had a great birthday party.  The cake was delicious.  Acceptably so :)