This is a blog I've started in hopes of learning how to navigate the 3 C's that is our blended family. If you know me, I'm a researcher. I'm a reader. I'm social. That is how I learn. I read everything there is to read on a topic and then I stir it all up, let it sit, expand my mind to it's creativity and all the possibilities and then distill out how I choose to use that information. Then, I talk to as many people as I can about it to see if I can get any other opinions and information on the subject. Navigating joint custody and blended families is not something that there are many up to date books on. There are some people's personal experiences but these books offer moral support mostly. They each have different circumstances than you do and most of them are very out of date. They make you feel ok about how frustrated you are by the situation but that's about it. There are very few books on the subject by specialists. There are very few case studies where they can honestly say what the effect of different scenarios ends up being on the child in the end. There are no current books by lawyers and psychologists together talking about what the best but also legally possible way is to raise kids when they are stretched between two parents, two families, and two locales. I've decided to start writing on the subject so that my experience may someday help someone in the same situation and to hopefully open a dialogue with others where they may offer some helpful input :) The problem with this subject matter, and why I haven't written much on the subject up until now, is that it is a sticky subject to navigate successfully without rocking the boat too much or offending anyone, or inadvertently hurting anyone's feelings. I just feel that I have a voice and enjoy writing and feel that there must be a stronger community out there dealing with this than I am finding in my limited circle. I am just starting out on this journey and I think it will end up being the trip of a lifetime that will someday define me and my life path in such a way that it deserves to be documented. So here it goes...
These are a few of the conundrums I decided to tackle today. There are
many many more. I'll save those for a different time ;) If I can just ask that you read this, digest it, keep it in the back of your mind, and contribute helpful wisdom. That would be much appreciated :)
One of my issues is The Panel. When you are raising children that each has four sets of grandparents, two parents, two step-parents, siblings, step-siblings, and various assorted aunts uncles, step-aunts and step-uncles, etc., there are MANY more opinions involved in your world. Some of these opinions are step-child based. This means that they prioritize your step-children and their well-being. These opinions might also include prioritizing added half-siblings. There are the opinions that prioritize your natural children and their well-being. These opinions could be centered from either of your child's two households from the opinion of prioritizing your children but also with a fierce sense of protecting that's person's precious time with the child. I calculated it out and when a child is school age, they have 4 days of waking time. Two days on the weekends and two days worth of before and after school time during the week. During this four days, a child must do homework, socialize freely with other children, attend birthday parties and holidays, spend time with step-siblings, four sets of grandparents, both parents, step-parents, and participate in activities. The only person that is guaranteed plenty of time is their sibling with whom they travel between households.
Some of you might think, perfect! Weekdays with one parent, weekends with another. I can honestly tell you that after doing that for the entire Fall, I have definitely concluded that this is not the best way. My time was spent getting kids ready for school, getting them home, doing homework, supervising playdates, shuttling to activities, and doing dinner and bedtime. There was no downtime, no time to go anywhere for a family outing, no time to do something with the support of another grownup's help since it was during the work week. It was go, go, go. Busy, busy, busy. It was mostly single parenting time, and was stretched amongst their step-siblings and their activites and home work as well. I longed for a leisurely morning, a day spent out hiking with the kids, or going to a museum together, or the beach for a picnic, or just time to spend together doing nothing. Now add both of the parents trying to share their precious kid time with the grandparents and step-grandparents as well, plus extended family, and you can see how thinly spread these kids are. They certainly have more love than they have time for which is a great problem to have, but it also creates a very difficult situation for everyone involved.
The other pitfall of this situation, is that, as the parent, who is to say who's opinion is more valid? You can't fault each person's opinion for prioritizing the well-being of the child that they have a connection to as well as putting an emphasis on their own time and relationship with that child, but when you have a blended family, you are supposed to make all of these opinions blend and be possible, while still looking out for your own child, your own family unit, as well as your blended family unit. Which opinion really ensures the happiness of these children? If they have the best life possible with one family and one community, yet their other family unit is weakened and overlooked, then their time there will be uncomfortable and unpleasant. Is that best for them? If everyone gets their special time with them yet the child feels thinly spread, pulled in all directions, and a constant sense of guilt for making more time for one person than others, is that best for the child? If the child is only in one household and spends full custody time there making their lives simple and uncomplicated, but loses their relationship with their other parent, is that best for the child?
As a parent in this situation, I feel like I work twice as hard to make our schedule possible. To make it possible for everyone to get their time, to make alone time for each child, to make time for the kids to all be together, to make time for a step-parent relationship so that there are some good times to balance the inevitable discipline moments, to figure out how each child will be able to get to activities, doctor appointments, playdates, vacations with each parent, have holidays with each family plus extended-family. My husband has to do all this as well, but also juggle a pretty heavy work load. We are both dedicated to our kids completely and wholly, yet we must also make sure our spousal relationship is not overlooked.
Add to this overwhelming task, the fact that all of these opinions come with judgements. The panel of judges in my parenting circle is twice as many as in the average family situation. A panel that is coming from a place of strong dedication, much love, high stakes, lots of emotions, and strong opinions. This panel is made up entirely of people that have not come from divorced households. Not a single person in the situation knows what it is like to be a child living in this type of situation. We all had two parents, married to each other, and one family. Adjusting our expectations and keeping in mind how difficult the situation is and how little time of the child's time is actually available to be split is difficult when everything comes from the paradigm of what you experienced as a child and trying to recreate this for your own children/grandchildren/step-children. No matter what decision my husband and I make, there are ripples of dissatisfaction that reach far and wide.
Add to this, the unusual experience of parenting directly "against" another parenting situation or style. Using the word "against", I do not mean to say that we do not like how the other parents are parenting, but more that our children are constantly holding our parenting style and decisions up "against" their other parents as well as their step-parents. There are bound to be differences because each of us are parenting under different circumstances, with different time constraints, different amounts of family members, not to mention that the children behave differently for each parent and step-parent so we are not even really parenting the same children. In a nuclear family, the only person your parenting is being compared to is the other parent, your spouse, with whom you share the same circumstances and child with, and with whom you have a great relationship with in which to puzzle out differences in parenting opinions. This seems manageable to me. Parenting "against" people that you do not have the easiest relationship with while also having limited time with your own child, during which you are being judged for your parenting style, is very uncomfortable. Having the children in my care say, "Well, my mom (or my step-mom) does this." "Well, my dad (or step-dad) does this" many many times, does not make me feel like a successful parent. The children are constantly questioning my parenting decisions. In a nuclear family, the way that you are parenting is the only way your kids know. Maybe, they make throw the phrase, "but so-and-so's mom or dad does this" at you, for sure, but you can say, "Well, they are choosing to raise their kids that way but I don't agree with that choice" or "well that child is a different child under different circumstances and that is what works for them." How can you say that as an answer when the other party making the decisions is their other parent and they see themselves as the same child in both situations? All the books say that you need to support the other parent in order to have a happy, emotionally healthy child. How do you make independent parenting decisions based on your own opinions and justify them without causing your child to feel you are judging their other parent? How do you feel good about your own parenting decisions when they are constantly being challenged in comparison to your child's "other life?"
There you are. More thoughts to come another time. Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves. When you go to judge anyone, think twice. Step back. Put your feelings and self-centered opinions to yourself. Try to see the situation for what it is. Realize that everyone is working very hard to do the right thing. Think about the fact that there is never enough time in this life and we are all trying to do the best that we can with the time that we have. Embrace that there is no right and no wrong, only opinions based on each person's world experience. Some ways work better than others, yes, but that doesn't make that any more right than another way that also works.
Topics to come:
- Managing the inevitable blended family/two household/step-family overindulgence and keeping the kids grounded and un-spoiled in the midst of it all.
- Creating and managing your relationship with your step-children that are new to you, spend half their time somewhere else, were raised with different expectations and parenting styles, and that are at an age that you have very little experience with.
- Parenting in chunks. When you are parenting children that are with you, then gone, then back again. How do you create consistency, reinforce good habits, and manage bad habits that keep popping back up while they are gone?
