While reading a blog about being a stepmom, I came across the mention of a book by Dr. Martha Beck, "Finding Your Way in a Wild New World" and her lesson on using nature as your anchor. The idea is not new but sometimes just consciously recognizing a tool allows you to use it more often and more effectively. Nature is definitely a tool I use for wading through the tumultuous waters of parenting within a blended family. It is a tool I use for myself and for my children.
The concept is that when life becomes turbulent around you or inside of you and you feel unsettled and afloat without an anchor, turn to nature to anchor you. Just that simple idea resonates so strongly with me. Even in life's most primal stage, infancy, nature has an almost instant calming effect. Take an upset baby outside to feel the breeze and the sun and to hear the sounds of nature and watch the calm that comes over them.
Nature is one of the things that drew me to Northern California. In CA, houses are small because with dry beautiful weather 80% of the year, inside extends outside. First thing in the morning, with a sleeping husband and/or newborn in my small house, Odin and I would wander outside to play in the garden while I enjoyed my coffee. Our first experience in the morning was the sound of the birds, the smell of the ocean mixed with roses, the bright green grass, the bright blue sky. The overwhelming beauty of it. How can you feel anything but perfect when you look around at how amazing nature is. How every bug, every flower, every cloud is...naturally perfect. It brings such peace knowing that we are all here for a reason, to play the role that only we can play. That each of us is unique and beautiful. One flower in a field of flowers is still the most amazingly beautiful thing you've ever seen. Even amongst all of the other flowers, each flower is perfect entirely unto itself. No flower is more beautiful than any other. People have preferences, but nature offers us a bouquet to choose from. It's the fact that there are options and differences that make each flower special. When you study nature, you learn the reasons behind each special trait and how it helps that being to play its role. In humans, this is not so clear. Our role is vague and undefined. But nature teaches us that being who we are, authentically, completely, and openly allows us to find the role we are meant to play. This is something that I will teach my children. It may not make them the most "popular" kid in their grade, they may not always fit in, but they will find true happiness. They will find a life that they feel passionately about. They will be unique and perfect. There will be no one just like them. They will find a loving circle of people that truly appreciate the things that are so wonderful about them.
Nature inspires me with its saturation. The colors are so vivid, the smells so pungent, the progression so rewarding. I find calm and peace in digging in the dirt, cultivating a seed, swimming in the ocean, sailing on the wind, welcoming the seasons, hiking a mountain, soaking in a view, watching the leaves blow, walking in the stillness of a snowy evening, gazing into the wonder of a fire, riding the rapids, listening to a bubbling stream, lying in the warm sun. When you look at yourself in the context of this big wild world, you realize that each of us is a very small working part in a much bigger picture. We are each special but we are amongst so many other pieces. We are not alone and there is always someone open to us when we need them.
However, when gazing at ourselves within the big picture, another conclusion can also be drawn. Our problems are not as big and not so important as we think. With the world being such a huge and overwhelming place, there is no one watching out for me. This may not be comforting to some but I find that it motivates me to make my life what I want it to be. No one is going to help me find happiness. No one is going to tell me the role I should play. Each of us is living in our own paradigm. My life path is entirely different from yours. No one can see my life as it is. They are not me. Even people with the best intentions cannot watch out for me. They can try, but they cannot fully see my life as it actually exists. I am the only one that can come to know myself. When I take the time to learn what makes me happy and to embrace my crazy self fully, my role becomes more clear. I think that we can all get wrapped up, sometimes, in thinking that we are so important. That the world owes us something. That our problems are someone's fault. That our problems are more important than those of someone else. It helps me to embrace my own destiny and to find solutions for my own problems when I realize that this is my job and mine alone. I will teach this to my children. Take ownership for your life. If you are not happy, do everything in your power to find that path that will make you happy. Do not look for bandaids of drugs, alcohol, or escapism. Face it head on. Embrace your uniqueness and find where you fit. Make mistakes. Go on an adventure. Try out a new friend. Go for it. Life is long. You have plenty of time to recover from making a decision that doesn't work out. But it might. So try it.
When life gets me down. Or I am confused about what path to take. When I feel that someone owes me something that I am not getting. I turn to nature. To calm me. To give me perspective. To teach me that I am unique and special. To remind me that the world owes me nothing. To take back control of my own happiness. To shift my view and open my mind to unseen possibilities.
"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful."
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Perception, Pride, and Self-Talk
The kids made dinner tonight. It may not have been perfect, it may have been a bit stressful making sure they didn't burn or cut themselves, but the responses I received to my question during dinner made it all worth it. Grace cooked the taco meat, loaded the dishwasher and folded the laundry, Henry set the table with cloth napkins and candlelight (his idea) and peeled and cut the carrots for an appetizer, Odin made hamburgers for he and Zephyr and cut up onion for the tacos and helped Henry with the carrots, and Zephyr cut the avocado and tomatoes. They were worried about it not being perfect or making sure they were doing it right and I just told them none of that mattered. As long as the meat was actually cooked then it wouldn't kill us and we would eat and be fed. So, at dinner, I asked the kids were the best things that came out of them cooking dinner. Henry said, "We were a team?" Odin said, "We helped Joe!" Grace said, "We accomplished something!" They were so happy and proud. So I told them that the pride they felt was the best thing that came out of our dinner. The smiles on their faces and how capable they felt...it was awesome.
Many things that happened today have made me think of how the world works. If dinner was cooked by kids and wasn't perfect, how they did it wasn't how you would do it, but you were fed and it made them happy, was that right or wrong? If someone hates you or thinks you are bad...but you feel like you are a good person...are you? Is their perception or your perception more important and more true? Is it the consensus of the people around you listen to? Or do you surround yourself with only people that think you are great? Where does the truth lie?
I have come to the realization that there is no reality. The world is made of perception. People have their own perception of things and you can't change what they think. Nothing you say will have a great impact on them and make them change the way they are. I have come to believe that the more important thing is how you feel about yourself. If it makes you feel good to try to change their mind, then go ahead. If it stresses you out, then don't. They probably won't hear you anyways. In that case, try to find a way to make yourself feel better about the situation. Do what you need to do to feel good about yourself. If you can't figure out how to handle a situation, handle it in a way that at the end of the day, you can look yourself in the eye and feel good about what you did. You are the only person you answer to. If you find someone in this world that does not answer to themselves in a way that you agree with, leave them to themselves and go find someone whose perception of right and wrong is in line with your own. Surround yourself with those people. Then at least you know that in your friendship or love, you will be treated the way that you will treat them. You will agree on life and how to live it. The people that you disagree with will surround themselves with people that agree with them. They will feel validated by those people. And you know what the scary thing is? Their perception of how they live their lives and right and wrong is no less true than your own. It is no less valid, however unfortunate that may be. You are wasting your time even working on them or wondering what is "wrong" with them. They are who they are and they think what they think. Yes, they are functioning under different rules but what can you do about that?
A girl in Wyoming told me recently, "I am so angry at my ex-husband for being happy when I am not happy. Why does he deserve happiness when he is a bad person? But then I realized something...God loves everyone. He loves me but he also loves my cheating ex-husband and his girlfriend."
Now I don't necessarily believe in God per say, but this does make sense to me. Nothing bad will happen to a bad person. Karma is not about that. Karma is about rewarding those that live by the rules that allow them to look themselves in the eye. Karma is about surrounding yourself with people that treat you the way you want to be treated and the way that you will treat them. Karma is about identifying what makes you happy and making that happen. Leave the others to their own lives. They may have something horrible happen to them...but they may not and the horrible thing may happen to you instead. Tragedy strikes without reason. Our job is to enjoy to the best of our ability the time we have. You never know what worse thing could be waiting around the corner that would make you look back on right now as the "good times."
Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful.
At bedtime tonight, I was reminded of something else. I was talking to Odin about "self-talk." When he gets in trouble for something, he calls himself stupid. He always has...for as long as I can remember. I have told him not to do it, talked to him about why it isn't true, have even punished him for saying such an untruth. Tonight I took a different tactic and in doing so, actually heard my own words as a lesson to myself. I tol
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”
― Lao Tzud him that the most important thing in this world is "positive self-talk." I told him that the happiest most confident person is not the smartest or the most beautiful or the coolest. They are the person that is the kindest to themselves. The person that you need to be the nicest to is yourself. No one will be nicer to you than you can be to yourself. Look in the mirror, tell yourself nice things, love yourself. Others will follow suit. They will see you the way you see yourself. I'm going to work on that. My perception is reality. My perception is what matters. I can change my reality. We can all change our own reality. Change your perception. Mold it into what you want it to be. It will become your new reality.
The truth is, my dinner was delicious. My children did a wonderful job. My children are amazing people. They will find their reality in this world. My job is to help them to perceive that reality is a happy one. My job is to be kind to myself and to teach them to do the same. My job is to find people that have a perception of reality that I like and teach them to do the same. My job is to leave the people I disagree with to themselves unless it pleases me to have them in my life. But in that case, I need to realize that while their perception of reality will not change, it is no more and no less real than my own. Read the below quotes. It seems that others agree :)
“Humans see what they want to see.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief
“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Magician's Nephew
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”
― Wayne W. Dyer
“All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
“Beauty is no quality in things themselves: It exists merely in the mind which contemplates them; and each mind perceives a different beauty.”
― David Hume, Of the Standard of Taste and Other Essays
“No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it. Thus it is impossible to ever compare two people because each stands on such different ground. When you compare yourself to others, you are inviting envy into your consciousness; it can be a dangerous and destructive guest.”
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom
“To change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.”
Many things that happened today have made me think of how the world works. If dinner was cooked by kids and wasn't perfect, how they did it wasn't how you would do it, but you were fed and it made them happy, was that right or wrong? If someone hates you or thinks you are bad...but you feel like you are a good person...are you? Is their perception or your perception more important and more true? Is it the consensus of the people around you listen to? Or do you surround yourself with only people that think you are great? Where does the truth lie?
I have come to the realization that there is no reality. The world is made of perception. People have their own perception of things and you can't change what they think. Nothing you say will have a great impact on them and make them change the way they are. I have come to believe that the more important thing is how you feel about yourself. If it makes you feel good to try to change their mind, then go ahead. If it stresses you out, then don't. They probably won't hear you anyways. In that case, try to find a way to make yourself feel better about the situation. Do what you need to do to feel good about yourself. If you can't figure out how to handle a situation, handle it in a way that at the end of the day, you can look yourself in the eye and feel good about what you did. You are the only person you answer to. If you find someone in this world that does not answer to themselves in a way that you agree with, leave them to themselves and go find someone whose perception of right and wrong is in line with your own. Surround yourself with those people. Then at least you know that in your friendship or love, you will be treated the way that you will treat them. You will agree on life and how to live it. The people that you disagree with will surround themselves with people that agree with them. They will feel validated by those people. And you know what the scary thing is? Their perception of how they live their lives and right and wrong is no less true than your own. It is no less valid, however unfortunate that may be. You are wasting your time even working on them or wondering what is "wrong" with them. They are who they are and they think what they think. Yes, they are functioning under different rules but what can you do about that?
A girl in Wyoming told me recently, "I am so angry at my ex-husband for being happy when I am not happy. Why does he deserve happiness when he is a bad person? But then I realized something...God loves everyone. He loves me but he also loves my cheating ex-husband and his girlfriend."
Now I don't necessarily believe in God per say, but this does make sense to me. Nothing bad will happen to a bad person. Karma is not about that. Karma is about rewarding those that live by the rules that allow them to look themselves in the eye. Karma is about surrounding yourself with people that treat you the way you want to be treated and the way that you will treat them. Karma is about identifying what makes you happy and making that happen. Leave the others to their own lives. They may have something horrible happen to them...but they may not and the horrible thing may happen to you instead. Tragedy strikes without reason. Our job is to enjoy to the best of our ability the time we have. You never know what worse thing could be waiting around the corner that would make you look back on right now as the "good times."
Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful.
At bedtime tonight, I was reminded of something else. I was talking to Odin about "self-talk." When he gets in trouble for something, he calls himself stupid. He always has...for as long as I can remember. I have told him not to do it, talked to him about why it isn't true, have even punished him for saying such an untruth. Tonight I took a different tactic and in doing so, actually heard my own words as a lesson to myself. I tol
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”
― Lao Tzud him that the most important thing in this world is "positive self-talk." I told him that the happiest most confident person is not the smartest or the most beautiful or the coolest. They are the person that is the kindest to themselves. The person that you need to be the nicest to is yourself. No one will be nicer to you than you can be to yourself. Look in the mirror, tell yourself nice things, love yourself. Others will follow suit. They will see you the way you see yourself. I'm going to work on that. My perception is reality. My perception is what matters. I can change my reality. We can all change our own reality. Change your perception. Mold it into what you want it to be. It will become your new reality.
The truth is, my dinner was delicious. My children did a wonderful job. My children are amazing people. They will find their reality in this world. My job is to help them to perceive that reality is a happy one. My job is to be kind to myself and to teach them to do the same. My job is to find people that have a perception of reality that I like and teach them to do the same. My job is to leave the people I disagree with to themselves unless it pleases me to have them in my life. But in that case, I need to realize that while their perception of reality will not change, it is no more and no less real than my own. Read the below quotes. It seems that others agree :)
“Humans see what they want to see.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief
“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Magician's Nephew
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”
― Wayne W. Dyer
“All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
“Beauty is no quality in things themselves: It exists merely in the mind which contemplates them; and each mind perceives a different beauty.”
― David Hume, Of the Standard of Taste and Other Essays
“No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it. Thus it is impossible to ever compare two people because each stands on such different ground. When you compare yourself to others, you are inviting envy into your consciousness; it can be a dangerous and destructive guest.”
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom
“To change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.”
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Acceptance
Attending a yoga class today reminded me of a few things. I have been feeling like there is something I'm supposed to be doing...somewhere I should be...I'm not doing enough...I'm bored...I'm wasting life...I'm not where I want to be... The mediation practice today was about acceptance, self love, opening your heart, and noticing where you are. I'm the kind of person who does well with goals...but I'm terrible at setting my own. Not having a goal this year or a project to do has been driving me nuts. I've decided that instead of driving myself nuts with guilt and criticism, I will instead embrace acceptance.
I am exactly where I should be. Doing exactly what I should be doing.
"Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. The concept is close in meaning to 'acquiescence', derived from the Latin 'acquiēscere' (to find rest in).[1]"
"To find rest in..." That's what I will focus on. After being "under duress" for the past 6 years, it is hard to "find rest." I am used to being stressed and overloaded. I'm not used to having a supporting wonderful spouse. Physically, I'm feeling better and have more energy. I feel spoiled. I feel guilty being happy and having so many wonderful things. I'm settling into the child sharing and it is becoming more routine. I'm not moving, not packing or unpacking, not going solo on childcare, not planning a wedding, not sick and tired, not selling a house, or buying a house, or renovating a house, not dating, not going to court, not blending the family, and not pregnant. "What else does one do with themselves without these challenges?" my mind asks me. I am a housewife. Wife to a person that works hard and supports us. What is that role? My husband is unusual in that cooks, does laundry, grocery shops, AND supports us. I am the cruise director. I organize fun, vacations, trips, outings, guests, parties, and activities. I supply love and happiness. I am good company. I handle caring for my kids and sometimes his. I clean for the cleaning lady. That is my role. It feels somewhat like being a trophy wife but I am not at all into keeping myself looking like a trophy. I find having my nails done extravagant, get bored with working out, am a terrible cook, and have friends that are very busy living full and interesting lives and do not have time to get manicures and lunch.
I try to focus on parenting...but it seems that all four of our little souls are formed and are who they are going to be. I can remind them of who they are, what they stand for, and making good choices...but mostly, they are who they are (at least until they go through puberty and the teen years!) Zephyr is in a difficult homebody phase but he is impervious to my attempts to break through the faze so I have already been practicing acceptance with him and enjoying his rare adventurous moments when I can.
I find myself in a constant mind-circle about wanting one more baby. It is just not going to happen at the moment and won't happen without a lot of work and money. By the time we figure out how it is going to happen, Zephyr will over 5 years old. The new child will be mostly an "only lonely" and it will indeed be like going backwards after all the kids are finally in school and mostly independent. Grrrrr....
Then I remind myself...
I am exactly where I should be. Doing exactly what I should be doing.
Today we had Nana's birthday party. I made a "Whoopie Pie" cake. I decided to use whoopie pie filling as the frosting on top. All went well...the frosting cascaded down the sides of the cake and looked lovely and delicious...then...(take a closer look at the photo above)...ever so slowly...the top layer of cake split in half. A big chasm opened dead center across the cake. Being the day of acceptance focus, I decided that the cake was exactly as a "whoopie pie" cake should be. That's just how they look. We added some extra "stick" candles to hold the top layer from furthering its descent and had a great birthday party. The cake was delicious. Acceptably so :)
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Snowy Day Fun
Here was one of my snowy day projects:
Before
After
We played, went sledding, and then had dinner and dessert out at our new fire pit! I broke down and bought one after the boys kept asking to make s'mores in Maine in our real fireplace (our fireplace at home is gas) and I realized that since the boys are at their Dad's Friday night, don't come back to us until bedtime Saturday night, and then we head home Sunday night, the boys aren't actually up in Maine any time in the evening that they could make s'mores. I'm so happy we got it. What fun it was for only $39! It was great to get outside so much yesterday. I have to say, having the fire pit made us feel like we were in the middle of the woods in the country instead of in our heavily settled neighborhood :) A wonderful side effect of our busy active day was that both boys were exhausted at bedtime.
We are loving being up in Maine skiing on the weekends. The kids are loving skiing and their confidence is blooming in general which is a great side effect! Such a nice thing to see. It's really an activity that appeals to all ages and certainly levels the playing field among different size kids. Being away on the weekends is also having a very positive effect on our house. It stays so clean with us not being here on the weekends and it makes me feel a lot less monotonous and bored with housework since I get a mental break from the house two days a week. Our winter is flying by and we are spending some really great family time together while also getting exercise and being outside. Best decision we ever made.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
I have a little obsession with Pinterest. I wish I had ten houses to use their great ideas on :) For now, I'll just have to make do with our little house. Not much left to do here though. I did get a few new tables and I'm SO happy with how they look :) One of them was expensive and the other was very cheap. Can you tell which is which?
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Reaching my potential.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
To baby or not to baby. To work or not to work. These are the questions.
As my kids grow older and my friends all head back to part time work that is fulfilling but not exactly lucrative, I am torn. We are almost at the point where all four kids are independent and at school from 8-2. They can almost ski together without much help from us. It makes me feel not quite so needed...and very mushy in the brain. Unstimulated, creatively frustrated, and lacking respect from the community at large for lack of "proof" that I actually have a brain.
On another note, when Joe and I have a night and day to ourselves once every two weeks roughly, we actually have time to ourselves. Sometimes, we actually have a whole week left to our own devices. I was perusing Craigslist today and saw a great job listing that seemed to fit me and my availability to the T. It barely pays but it would give me an opportunity to make connections and use my brain at something I enjoy. Then again, I have the privilege of being home with my kids and sometimes my downtime for a few hours while they are at school is a much needed break to recharge my batteries. I am available to have free time with Joe whenever he can fit it in. Why would I be crazy enough to think that I should add work for low pay to that? If I am working, even if it is part time, won't that just add stress and take away from my current luxury of flexibility? Then again, it's hard when you have time but all of your friends are working on their part time pursuits.
The other part of the equation is the question of "to baby or not to baby." I have always wanted another baby. A baby that I keep 100% of the time. A baby that I raise with a partner instead of by myself. A baby that I have the time to enjoy...but like I said before, our kids are at the age where we can all go skiing together. They are almost all in school. We are almost done paying for preschool after many years. We do get to have our time alone together. The kids are also all roughly two years apart and get along so well. It's easy to find activities that are age appropriate for all of them. If we were to have another baby (or adopt) that baby would be so much younger than the others. It would be more like having an only child. Would the other kids relate at all or give the baby the time of day? Would they be close with the new baby ever? Would Joe and I resent going back to the beginning stages again and losing our freedom?
Into the craziness of my conundrum we then add the lyme disease. I'm on antibiotics and feeling great but will I feel bad when I come off the meds? My lyme doctor has high hopes. Will I be cured enough to grow and give birth to a healthy baby that doesn't later develop Autism from Lyme exposure? Will my body be able to handle pregnancy or will it cause the Lyme to relapse? All of these are legitimate concerns if you read anything on the web. The doctors all say, "Don't read anything on the web." Who is right? If we were to instead adopt, would our extended families embrace this child as readily as they have embraced their blood relations? Would they look at us like we are nuts and think that we deserve whatever difficulties come along with another child? When I read about adoption, it seems as though there are more people waiting to be parents than there are healthy babies available. I know that with four other children to care for, we could not handle a child with special needs. If one came to us, then so be it, but I can't responsibly make that decision consciously. I also wonder if a birth mother would ever give her child to a blended family that has four children already. A crazy option would be a surrogate. Our child but with no Lyme exposure and no stress to my immune system. Completely financially irresponsible and completely insane idea.
These are all the thoughts that circle around and around in my brain while I lie awake from 2-4am early every morning. I'm sure it's the antibiotics raging through my system fighting the invisible bacteria that wakes me, but whatever the reason why, Hamlet's Dilemma persists. It's the illusion of control that hounds me. I feel as though the decisions I make will control the future. I don't want to be an old lady living with regrets someday. If I'm being honest, I actually don't want to be an old lady someday, with or without regrets. ;)
On another note, when Joe and I have a night and day to ourselves once every two weeks roughly, we actually have time to ourselves. Sometimes, we actually have a whole week left to our own devices. I was perusing Craigslist today and saw a great job listing that seemed to fit me and my availability to the T. It barely pays but it would give me an opportunity to make connections and use my brain at something I enjoy. Then again, I have the privilege of being home with my kids and sometimes my downtime for a few hours while they are at school is a much needed break to recharge my batteries. I am available to have free time with Joe whenever he can fit it in. Why would I be crazy enough to think that I should add work for low pay to that? If I am working, even if it is part time, won't that just add stress and take away from my current luxury of flexibility? Then again, it's hard when you have time but all of your friends are working on their part time pursuits.
The other part of the equation is the question of "to baby or not to baby." I have always wanted another baby. A baby that I keep 100% of the time. A baby that I raise with a partner instead of by myself. A baby that I have the time to enjoy...but like I said before, our kids are at the age where we can all go skiing together. They are almost all in school. We are almost done paying for preschool after many years. We do get to have our time alone together. The kids are also all roughly two years apart and get along so well. It's easy to find activities that are age appropriate for all of them. If we were to have another baby (or adopt) that baby would be so much younger than the others. It would be more like having an only child. Would the other kids relate at all or give the baby the time of day? Would they be close with the new baby ever? Would Joe and I resent going back to the beginning stages again and losing our freedom?
Into the craziness of my conundrum we then add the lyme disease. I'm on antibiotics and feeling great but will I feel bad when I come off the meds? My lyme doctor has high hopes. Will I be cured enough to grow and give birth to a healthy baby that doesn't later develop Autism from Lyme exposure? Will my body be able to handle pregnancy or will it cause the Lyme to relapse? All of these are legitimate concerns if you read anything on the web. The doctors all say, "Don't read anything on the web." Who is right? If we were to instead adopt, would our extended families embrace this child as readily as they have embraced their blood relations? Would they look at us like we are nuts and think that we deserve whatever difficulties come along with another child? When I read about adoption, it seems as though there are more people waiting to be parents than there are healthy babies available. I know that with four other children to care for, we could not handle a child with special needs. If one came to us, then so be it, but I can't responsibly make that decision consciously. I also wonder if a birth mother would ever give her child to a blended family that has four children already. A crazy option would be a surrogate. Our child but with no Lyme exposure and no stress to my immune system. Completely financially irresponsible and completely insane idea.
These are all the thoughts that circle around and around in my brain while I lie awake from 2-4am early every morning. I'm sure it's the antibiotics raging through my system fighting the invisible bacteria that wakes me, but whatever the reason why, Hamlet's Dilemma persists. It's the illusion of control that hounds me. I feel as though the decisions I make will control the future. I don't want to be an old lady living with regrets someday. If I'm being honest, I actually don't want to be an old lady someday, with or without regrets. ;)
Sunday, October 28, 2012
The Panel
This is a blog I've started in hopes of learning how to navigate the 3 C's that is our blended family. If you know me, I'm a researcher. I'm a reader. I'm social. That is how I learn. I read everything there is to read on a topic and then I stir it all up, let it sit, expand my mind to it's creativity and all the possibilities and then distill out how I choose to use that information. Then, I talk to as many people as I can about it to see if I can get any other opinions and information on the subject. Navigating joint custody and blended families is not something that there are many up to date books on. There are some people's personal experiences but these books offer moral support mostly. They each have different circumstances than you do and most of them are very out of date. They make you feel ok about how frustrated you are by the situation but that's about it. There are very few books on the subject by specialists. There are very few case studies where they can honestly say what the effect of different scenarios ends up being on the child in the end. There are no current books by lawyers and psychologists together talking about what the best but also legally possible way is to raise kids when they are stretched between two parents, two families, and two locales. I've decided to start writing on the subject so that my experience may someday help someone in the same situation and to hopefully open a dialogue with others where they may offer some helpful input :) The problem with this subject matter, and why I haven't written much on the subject up until now, is that it is a sticky subject to navigate successfully without rocking the boat too much or offending anyone, or inadvertently hurting anyone's feelings. I just feel that I have a voice and enjoy writing and feel that there must be a stronger community out there dealing with this than I am finding in my limited circle. I am just starting out on this journey and I think it will end up being the trip of a lifetime that will someday define me and my life path in such a way that it deserves to be documented. So here it goes...
These are a few of the conundrums I decided to tackle today. There are many many more. I'll save those for a different time ;) If I can just ask that you read this, digest it, keep it in the back of your mind, and contribute helpful wisdom. That would be much appreciated :)
One of my issues is The Panel. When you are raising children that each has four sets of grandparents, two parents, two step-parents, siblings, step-siblings, and various assorted aunts uncles, step-aunts and step-uncles, etc., there are MANY more opinions involved in your world. Some of these opinions are step-child based. This means that they prioritize your step-children and their well-being. These opinions might also include prioritizing added half-siblings. There are the opinions that prioritize your natural children and their well-being. These opinions could be centered from either of your child's two households from the opinion of prioritizing your children but also with a fierce sense of protecting that's person's precious time with the child. I calculated it out and when a child is school age, they have 4 days of waking time. Two days on the weekends and two days worth of before and after school time during the week. During this four days, a child must do homework, socialize freely with other children, attend birthday parties and holidays, spend time with step-siblings, four sets of grandparents, both parents, step-parents, and participate in activities. The only person that is guaranteed plenty of time is their sibling with whom they travel between households.
Some of you might think, perfect! Weekdays with one parent, weekends with another. I can honestly tell you that after doing that for the entire Fall, I have definitely concluded that this is not the best way. My time was spent getting kids ready for school, getting them home, doing homework, supervising playdates, shuttling to activities, and doing dinner and bedtime. There was no downtime, no time to go anywhere for a family outing, no time to do something with the support of another grownup's help since it was during the work week. It was go, go, go. Busy, busy, busy. It was mostly single parenting time, and was stretched amongst their step-siblings and their activites and home work as well. I longed for a leisurely morning, a day spent out hiking with the kids, or going to a museum together, or the beach for a picnic, or just time to spend together doing nothing. Now add both of the parents trying to share their precious kid time with the grandparents and step-grandparents as well, plus extended family, and you can see how thinly spread these kids are. They certainly have more love than they have time for which is a great problem to have, but it also creates a very difficult situation for everyone involved.
The other pitfall of this situation, is that, as the parent, who is to say who's opinion is more valid? You can't fault each person's opinion for prioritizing the well-being of the child that they have a connection to as well as putting an emphasis on their own time and relationship with that child, but when you have a blended family, you are supposed to make all of these opinions blend and be possible, while still looking out for your own child, your own family unit, as well as your blended family unit. Which opinion really ensures the happiness of these children? If they have the best life possible with one family and one community, yet their other family unit is weakened and overlooked, then their time there will be uncomfortable and unpleasant. Is that best for them? If everyone gets their special time with them yet the child feels thinly spread, pulled in all directions, and a constant sense of guilt for making more time for one person than others, is that best for the child? If the child is only in one household and spends full custody time there making their lives simple and uncomplicated, but loses their relationship with their other parent, is that best for the child?
As a parent in this situation, I feel like I work twice as hard to make our schedule possible. To make it possible for everyone to get their time, to make alone time for each child, to make time for the kids to all be together, to make time for a step-parent relationship so that there are some good times to balance the inevitable discipline moments, to figure out how each child will be able to get to activities, doctor appointments, playdates, vacations with each parent, have holidays with each family plus extended-family. My husband has to do all this as well, but also juggle a pretty heavy work load. We are both dedicated to our kids completely and wholly, yet we must also make sure our spousal relationship is not overlooked.
Add to this overwhelming task, the fact that all of these opinions come with judgements. The panel of judges in my parenting circle is twice as many as in the average family situation. A panel that is coming from a place of strong dedication, much love, high stakes, lots of emotions, and strong opinions. This panel is made up entirely of people that have not come from divorced households. Not a single person in the situation knows what it is like to be a child living in this type of situation. We all had two parents, married to each other, and one family. Adjusting our expectations and keeping in mind how difficult the situation is and how little time of the child's time is actually available to be split is difficult when everything comes from the paradigm of what you experienced as a child and trying to recreate this for your own children/grandchildren/step-children. No matter what decision my husband and I make, there are ripples of dissatisfaction that reach far and wide.
Add to this, the unusual experience of parenting directly "against" another parenting situation or style. Using the word "against", I do not mean to say that we do not like how the other parents are parenting, but more that our children are constantly holding our parenting style and decisions up "against" their other parents as well as their step-parents. There are bound to be differences because each of us are parenting under different circumstances, with different time constraints, different amounts of family members, not to mention that the children behave differently for each parent and step-parent so we are not even really parenting the same children. In a nuclear family, the only person your parenting is being compared to is the other parent, your spouse, with whom you share the same circumstances and child with, and with whom you have a great relationship with in which to puzzle out differences in parenting opinions. This seems manageable to me. Parenting "against" people that you do not have the easiest relationship with while also having limited time with your own child, during which you are being judged for your parenting style, is very uncomfortable. Having the children in my care say, "Well, my mom (or my step-mom) does this." "Well, my dad (or step-dad) does this" many many times, does not make me feel like a successful parent. The children are constantly questioning my parenting decisions. In a nuclear family, the way that you are parenting is the only way your kids know. Maybe, they make throw the phrase, "but so-and-so's mom or dad does this" at you, for sure, but you can say, "Well, they are choosing to raise their kids that way but I don't agree with that choice" or "well that child is a different child under different circumstances and that is what works for them." How can you say that as an answer when the other party making the decisions is their other parent and they see themselves as the same child in both situations? All the books say that you need to support the other parent in order to have a happy, emotionally healthy child. How do you make independent parenting decisions based on your own opinions and justify them without causing your child to feel you are judging their other parent? How do you feel good about your own parenting decisions when they are constantly being challenged in comparison to your child's "other life?"
There you are. More thoughts to come another time. Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves. When you go to judge anyone, think twice. Step back. Put your feelings and self-centered opinions to yourself. Try to see the situation for what it is. Realize that everyone is working very hard to do the right thing. Think about the fact that there is never enough time in this life and we are all trying to do the best that we can with the time that we have. Embrace that there is no right and no wrong, only opinions based on each person's world experience. Some ways work better than others, yes, but that doesn't make that any more right than another way that also works.
Topics to come:
- Managing the inevitable blended family/two household/step-family overindulgence and keeping the kids grounded and un-spoiled in the midst of it all.
- Creating and managing your relationship with your step-children that are new to you, spend half their time somewhere else, were raised with different expectations and parenting styles, and that are at an age that you have very little experience with.
- Parenting in chunks. When you are parenting children that are with you, then gone, then back again. How do you create consistency, reinforce good habits, and manage bad habits that keep popping back up while they are gone?
These are a few of the conundrums I decided to tackle today. There are many many more. I'll save those for a different time ;) If I can just ask that you read this, digest it, keep it in the back of your mind, and contribute helpful wisdom. That would be much appreciated :)
One of my issues is The Panel. When you are raising children that each has four sets of grandparents, two parents, two step-parents, siblings, step-siblings, and various assorted aunts uncles, step-aunts and step-uncles, etc., there are MANY more opinions involved in your world. Some of these opinions are step-child based. This means that they prioritize your step-children and their well-being. These opinions might also include prioritizing added half-siblings. There are the opinions that prioritize your natural children and their well-being. These opinions could be centered from either of your child's two households from the opinion of prioritizing your children but also with a fierce sense of protecting that's person's precious time with the child. I calculated it out and when a child is school age, they have 4 days of waking time. Two days on the weekends and two days worth of before and after school time during the week. During this four days, a child must do homework, socialize freely with other children, attend birthday parties and holidays, spend time with step-siblings, four sets of grandparents, both parents, step-parents, and participate in activities. The only person that is guaranteed plenty of time is their sibling with whom they travel between households.
Some of you might think, perfect! Weekdays with one parent, weekends with another. I can honestly tell you that after doing that for the entire Fall, I have definitely concluded that this is not the best way. My time was spent getting kids ready for school, getting them home, doing homework, supervising playdates, shuttling to activities, and doing dinner and bedtime. There was no downtime, no time to go anywhere for a family outing, no time to do something with the support of another grownup's help since it was during the work week. It was go, go, go. Busy, busy, busy. It was mostly single parenting time, and was stretched amongst their step-siblings and their activites and home work as well. I longed for a leisurely morning, a day spent out hiking with the kids, or going to a museum together, or the beach for a picnic, or just time to spend together doing nothing. Now add both of the parents trying to share their precious kid time with the grandparents and step-grandparents as well, plus extended family, and you can see how thinly spread these kids are. They certainly have more love than they have time for which is a great problem to have, but it also creates a very difficult situation for everyone involved.
The other pitfall of this situation, is that, as the parent, who is to say who's opinion is more valid? You can't fault each person's opinion for prioritizing the well-being of the child that they have a connection to as well as putting an emphasis on their own time and relationship with that child, but when you have a blended family, you are supposed to make all of these opinions blend and be possible, while still looking out for your own child, your own family unit, as well as your blended family unit. Which opinion really ensures the happiness of these children? If they have the best life possible with one family and one community, yet their other family unit is weakened and overlooked, then their time there will be uncomfortable and unpleasant. Is that best for them? If everyone gets their special time with them yet the child feels thinly spread, pulled in all directions, and a constant sense of guilt for making more time for one person than others, is that best for the child? If the child is only in one household and spends full custody time there making their lives simple and uncomplicated, but loses their relationship with their other parent, is that best for the child?
As a parent in this situation, I feel like I work twice as hard to make our schedule possible. To make it possible for everyone to get their time, to make alone time for each child, to make time for the kids to all be together, to make time for a step-parent relationship so that there are some good times to balance the inevitable discipline moments, to figure out how each child will be able to get to activities, doctor appointments, playdates, vacations with each parent, have holidays with each family plus extended-family. My husband has to do all this as well, but also juggle a pretty heavy work load. We are both dedicated to our kids completely and wholly, yet we must also make sure our spousal relationship is not overlooked.
Add to this overwhelming task, the fact that all of these opinions come with judgements. The panel of judges in my parenting circle is twice as many as in the average family situation. A panel that is coming from a place of strong dedication, much love, high stakes, lots of emotions, and strong opinions. This panel is made up entirely of people that have not come from divorced households. Not a single person in the situation knows what it is like to be a child living in this type of situation. We all had two parents, married to each other, and one family. Adjusting our expectations and keeping in mind how difficult the situation is and how little time of the child's time is actually available to be split is difficult when everything comes from the paradigm of what you experienced as a child and trying to recreate this for your own children/grandchildren/step-children. No matter what decision my husband and I make, there are ripples of dissatisfaction that reach far and wide.
Add to this, the unusual experience of parenting directly "against" another parenting situation or style. Using the word "against", I do not mean to say that we do not like how the other parents are parenting, but more that our children are constantly holding our parenting style and decisions up "against" their other parents as well as their step-parents. There are bound to be differences because each of us are parenting under different circumstances, with different time constraints, different amounts of family members, not to mention that the children behave differently for each parent and step-parent so we are not even really parenting the same children. In a nuclear family, the only person your parenting is being compared to is the other parent, your spouse, with whom you share the same circumstances and child with, and with whom you have a great relationship with in which to puzzle out differences in parenting opinions. This seems manageable to me. Parenting "against" people that you do not have the easiest relationship with while also having limited time with your own child, during which you are being judged for your parenting style, is very uncomfortable. Having the children in my care say, "Well, my mom (or my step-mom) does this." "Well, my dad (or step-dad) does this" many many times, does not make me feel like a successful parent. The children are constantly questioning my parenting decisions. In a nuclear family, the way that you are parenting is the only way your kids know. Maybe, they make throw the phrase, "but so-and-so's mom or dad does this" at you, for sure, but you can say, "Well, they are choosing to raise their kids that way but I don't agree with that choice" or "well that child is a different child under different circumstances and that is what works for them." How can you say that as an answer when the other party making the decisions is their other parent and they see themselves as the same child in both situations? All the books say that you need to support the other parent in order to have a happy, emotionally healthy child. How do you make independent parenting decisions based on your own opinions and justify them without causing your child to feel you are judging their other parent? How do you feel good about your own parenting decisions when they are constantly being challenged in comparison to your child's "other life?"
There you are. More thoughts to come another time. Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves. When you go to judge anyone, think twice. Step back. Put your feelings and self-centered opinions to yourself. Try to see the situation for what it is. Realize that everyone is working very hard to do the right thing. Think about the fact that there is never enough time in this life and we are all trying to do the best that we can with the time that we have. Embrace that there is no right and no wrong, only opinions based on each person's world experience. Some ways work better than others, yes, but that doesn't make that any more right than another way that also works.
Topics to come:
- Managing the inevitable blended family/two household/step-family overindulgence and keeping the kids grounded and un-spoiled in the midst of it all.
- Creating and managing your relationship with your step-children that are new to you, spend half their time somewhere else, were raised with different expectations and parenting styles, and that are at an age that you have very little experience with.
- Parenting in chunks. When you are parenting children that are with you, then gone, then back again. How do you create consistency, reinforce good habits, and manage bad habits that keep popping back up while they are gone?
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